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what are you trying to say? - Chiaroscuro/Confessions [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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what are you trying to say? [Aug. 22nd, 2005|05:28 pm]
[mood |pensivepensive]

What is this blogging fad of folks performing an action called "deleting" somebody called their "friend"?
That really gives me the creeps and instinctively does not feel "friendly".

I've noticed different reasons for doing this:
1) an obnoxious way of letting the world know that someone is not their little friend- anymore
2) the user deems that the "friend" isn't posting the tedious details of their life frequently enough.
3) to censor what comes across their friends page

keep 'em comin'...

Do we get erased from your phone books if we haven't talked in a while? Deleted from your memory if you haven't seem us?

[User Picture]From: contentlove
2005-08-22 11:31 pm (UTC)

I'm guessing your feelings got hurt, and if so I'm sorry, but...

I think you're overstating the case a tad. I really wish it weren't called a "friends" list in the first place. It's a list of a) journals I read and/or b) people I want to give access to my filtered posts.

So, if I delete a journal from my subscription list, that's what I'm doing and it in no way is equivilent or should, in my view, be compared to "deleting" a friend.

Before you decide what it means in any given case, why not just ask? I suspect that there are a great many more possible reasons than the ones you've given above.

In certain cases, I've left off reading a journal because it was a bit *too* personal. I don't see any reason for me to hide that fact, which I could if I wanted to go through the extended drill of making a "default view" page where I didn't see their entries and making all my posts to a filter they aren't on. That would hide it utterly.

Me, I just subscribe and unsubscribe. I'm a little less likely to unsub people who are friends I know in meatspace who live elsewhere, since it's a small window to your world though ;)) Again, I wouldn't read in so much.
Especially with people I've never met, sometimes I'll subscribe them to my list for a little while to see how it goes. I see that people do that with me, too. No harm, no foul, especially as the years go by. For instance, a lot of thelemites I've never met find me and "friend" me, but since I write primarily about my artistic endeavors, they get sick of it all soon enough.

If you think someone you care about is trying to send you a message, just ask 'em. You never know unless you ask ;))

ps for those playing along at home, I'm still "friends" with this journal and definitely still friends with its author.
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[User Picture]From: najwa_maryam
2005-08-22 11:47 pm (UTC)

Re: I'm guessing your feelings got hurt, and if so I'm sorry, but...

Oddly enough, today it wasn't a matter of my sensitive feelings. It really was just something I have been wondering about since I signed up for this thing.
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[User Picture]From: amritamani
2005-08-23 12:25 am (UTC)

Re: I'm guessing your feelings got hurt, and if so I'm sorry, but...

"I think you're overstating the case a tad. I really wish it weren't called a "friends" list in the first place. It's a list of a) journals I read and/or b) people I want to give access to my filtered posts."

Yeah, I second that.

I deleted a bunch of journals today because they didn't post for a long time, some almost 2 years. I'm addicted to reading journals. Some people hold up the line at the supermarket reading tabloid rags, I read LJ ;)

But the main reason I deleted them is because LJ gives you a limit on how many you can have. If it was unlimited I would just leave them on, on the off chance that they may post again.
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[User Picture]From: contentlove
2005-08-23 03:44 am (UTC)

Re: I'm guessing your feelings got hurt, and if so I'm sorry, but...

LJ gives you a limit on how many you can have.

Really? What's the number and what's your reference for that?
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[User Picture]From: contentlove
2005-08-22 11:34 pm (UTC)
Oh, yeah, and sometimes people delete because they're closing down their journal, or if they're changing the journal name, it will come up as a deletion of the old name and an add to the new journal.
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[User Picture]From: dartpoly
2005-08-22 11:50 pm (UTC)
since many of my posts are just friends-locked, anyone on my friends/subscribed list will have access to it.
sometimes, if i actually do have an _irreparable_ falling-out with someone in real-life, i'll remove their friend-level access (my alternative being to make a friends-group that excludes them and go back and re-filter all my posts -- *faint*). it wouldn't be so bad on the few posts that are "inner circle", and if someone no longer has my trust, then they're not in that group... but for 90% of my posts, my only option is to "unfriend" them.

for the most part, it suffices that i've got some groups to filter who i read, and other filters for who gets to read.

i do see plenty of folks who get all torn up over who unfriended who... usually, it seems, it becaomes "drama" when those folks _only_ interact through LJ, so that action is seen as very impactful and triggers an emotional response.
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[User Picture]From: lassiter
2005-08-23 12:30 am (UTC)
I've "unfriended" people (and RSS feeds, and...) on LJ when the volume of posts itself becomes more than I can parse in a regular sitting at the 'puter. Some of those people's LJs get read by me in one fell swoop every so often, 'cause that works better for me than having 6+ pages of friends' entries to read in the AM after I've already caught up from the night before. Some of 'em (people I don't know in RL at all, more often) just get deleted 'cause I can't keep up. It's more about attention units and their distribution and allocation at any given time than about "friends" or not-friends.

I note that I do emphatically tend to prioritize "meatspace" friends and acquaintances, no matter how interesting some people are who I only know via the net.

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(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: najwa_maryam
2005-08-23 02:12 am (UTC)
I believe that falls under "3 ) to censor what comes across their friends page"
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[User Picture]From: contentlove
2005-08-23 03:42 am (UTC)
The word I would choose is "select," as in, "I select the journals I wish to include" on my friends page. Similarly, I select what I eat in a restuarant (I do not "censor" what I don't eat) and I select what books I take out of the library. Is that "censorship" as well, by virtue of the fact that I won't read every book ever written? I don't think so.
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[User Picture]From: djsean
2005-08-23 08:15 am (UTC)
Aquainted Personality Meme deleted, formatting social extension files...


Please restart your CPU for changes to take effect.

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[User Picture]From: paradoxosalpha
2005-08-23 12:37 pm (UTC)
I agree with Content 100% on the issues of "friends" and "unfriending" in LJ. Another, related issue seems to be the people who pop up asking, "Is it ok if I friend you?" It strikes me as similar to the old saw: "Can I ask you a question?" "You just did." To include someone else's journal in one's LJ friends list gives one no special power over or access to that journal. The principal effect on the "friended" journal is to further publicize already-public posts on the global-freaking-Internet.
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From: djquestion
2005-08-23 01:31 pm (UTC)
If I unfriended people for "unfriendly" behaviour, I'd have no friends!)@*%_!
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[User Picture]From: tristan_moore
2005-08-23 11:31 pm (UTC)
If I know someone in person, I'll usually not "unfriend" them unless they've given me some reason to not trust them. (ie passing out my phone number without asking, letting other people read my journal without asking me first, distorting stories about my life, so on and so forth (general lack of respect issues)

Doesn't mean I don't consider them my "friend" just that I don't trust them with fairly personal or private information and thoughts because the've given me some reason not to.

And then, sometimes there are certain influences I don't want in my life. :) Again, relationships that have already cultivated don't generally apply.

Sometimes its just as simple as "I don't really know much more about you other than the fact that you like to post newslinks and memes so I don't know why I'm wasting my scroll ball muscle here..."
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[User Picture]From: jessaries
2005-08-24 08:37 pm (UTC)
I have to say that I do get a little sensitive sometimes when someone I know unfriends me. I remember at one point one of our mutual friends would call me, "Can you believe X unfriended Y?" or "Oh my X unfriended me, but not you or you, but not me or both of us!" (Not that I'm above that, my comments were usually, "No way" or "why".) I don't usually unfriend real life friends. Or maybe I have and I don't know it? Good Heavens!
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From: xagent93x
2005-08-28 06:19 pm (UTC)
I like the idea of give and take. I cleaned my list of ppl who read but don't post. Some ppl I have just grown apart from and no longer share my life with them. And then some were not even RL friends to begin with. People add and drop me all the time, I don't take it personally...it is what it is and I feel no pressure to add or un-add.
Also this sobering year of my husband being in Iraq has made me value the interesting peeps that share with me thier love, knowledge and experiences and care not so much for ppl who are just filling thier freinds list or looking for attention, ect. Does that make sense? And really, it would be a grand thing if LJ had a Friends list and then an aquaintance list or even a "just here to look at the art posted or the interesting entries this person is willing to share" list. *snicker*
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